My Top 11 Reasons Why Chuck Norris is Awesome

I was one of the founding members of the 'Chuck Norris is Rad' fan club. He is so freaking rad I want to crap my pants! His chest hair inspired me to my own feats of greatness.

These are the reasons why Chuck Norris is the best!



1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Source: http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck



Note: This may appear to the untrained eye that Chuck Norris is getting his ass kicked. This is what HE wants you to think.

Survival Of The Fittest

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

Source: Best of Craigslist
Date: 2007-08-30, 2:03PM EDT
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html

Best Ever Laughing Baby

Best Ever Laughing Baby
Video sent by LucaPalooka1

Less than a minute and guaranteed to brighten your day... Luke laughs hysterically as mama imitates him crawling around the house in the morning.

Blagging 101

I am very well known in the industry. What does this mean? Perks come my way quite often. This can be as big as nailing some wannabe on the casting couch through to obtaining a gift bag from the latest movie premiere.

On the odd occasion I forget to get my name on a list or get my press agent to organize some tickets I need to resort to a blag. Whats a blag you ask?

Blag - To gain, usually entrance to a restricted area or club, or some material good, through confidence trickery or cheekiness. Lying is also acceptable.

I dont need to resort to this often because I am so well known. People know who I am and want to be around me.

My best blag to date was getting into Vanity Fairs Oscar Party at Morton’s restaurant. I wasnt invited as my Press Agent is a Douche and he didnt call the right people (did I mention he's a Douche). I am quite friendly with some of the Paparazzi so I gave 10 of them $50 each and had them meet me a block away from Morton's. They all ran after my car snapping photos as I pulled up. This meant even more Paparazzi starting taking my photo. Like months to a flame bitches! I exited my Lotus and confidently walked up to the door man. The velvet rope parted and I was in.

Speaking of presence...I mean presents. The gift bag for this event was valued at about $10,000. $10,000 minus $500 = You want to be me.

This Years MTV VMAs Were Amazing

Video. Music. Awards.
Three little words that bring a smile to my heart as I look back at the debacle that was this years VMAs.
Apparently the TV station Empty-V plays music videos in-between episodes of Hogan Knows Best and My Super Sweet 16. And apparently some people care about pop music in 2007. Thus, this past weekend the world was treated to a non-stop display of organized showing off by some of the planets more vacuous ‘personalities’.

In honor of the train-wreck that was this years VMAs I hereby announce the first edition of the annual Living The Good Lie VMA top Three.

#3 Kanye West Is Sensitive.
Preppy wannabe tough guy rapper Kanye West chose the 2007 VMAs to make it clear why he wears teddy bear sweaters. BECAUSE HE IS A MOMMYS BOY. Poor little Kanye threw a temper tantrum backstage when he didn’t win any awards. A big tough rapper getting his panties in a twist because a company owned by rich old white men didn’t give him a shiny award.



Kanye: You Suck.

#2 Middle Aged Men Are Tough.
Pamela Anderson must be one hell of a good lay because her two ex-husbands decided to put their handbags down, take off their earrings and slap each other. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee put on the worst display of girl-fighting this side of Kanye West in a room full of teddy bears. These two has-beens played “hold me back, hold me back” with their buddies until security rushed in and broke up the cuddle-fest.



Real tough guys, really.

#1 Oops She Blew It Again.
Britney Spears Is Awful.
So her performance was meant to be a come-back. It was not. What it was was entertaining. In fact I would have to put this little lipsyched shimmy fest down as the best thing I have ever seen on Empty-V. She didn’t sing, she didn’t dance, she didn’t do anything that could remotely be called a performance really, oh, and she dressed like a two dollar hooker. In other words: It was AMAZING!

EDIT: Bloody MTV and their bloody lawyers! alll evidence of this earth shattering event has been cease and desisted from the internet... I offer you instead, a word from Britneys spokesman:



Thank you Britney, Thank you Empty-V. See you next year kids.

The Simpsons: Are They Funny Again?

The Simpsons is a television legend. Everybody has seen it. Even Aboriginal children living in caves who brush their teeth with a stick know who Bart Simpson is. And how can you not? The show has more seasons under its belt than Britney Spears has stretch marks.

Unfortunately, what began as a comedy giant has since shrunken into a comedy dwarf—which is to say it has a normal-sized head but its arms and legs are all stubby and weird. It’s no secret that for a long time, the Simpsons hasn’t been as sharp as it used to be. Not since its glory years in the early to mid 90s… which is a problem unless you live in Europe where American TV arrives so late, those episodes are probably airing for the first time right now. Right along with the premieres of “Diff’rent Strokes” and “A.L.F.”

Anyway, after 19 seasons on the air along with countless officially merchandized t-shirts, dolls, baseball caps, board games, and sex toys, the Simpsons finally seemed to be running of out steam. The hard work of hundreds of Korean animators had been completely mined, and show creator Matt Groening had grown tired of cashing the same old royalty checks for a show he hasn’t done squat for since Bush Sr. was in office.

So, what do you do with a show that has run out of ideas? Just ask the X-Files! You put it on a bigger screen and start charging people to watch it! This of course brings us to The Simpsons Movie.

Leading up to its blockbuster theatrical premiere, “Simpsons Fever” gripped the United States which prior to that only had rampant obesity to worry about. In fact, to help market the Simpsons movie, several 7-11 convenience stores in America were temporarily changed into “Kwik-E-Marts” the fictional store owned by the character Apu. To make that switch 100% authentic, Indian shop owners only had to trade in their store logos, their usual selection of merchandise, and their last shred of dignity.

But here’s the thing. The movie’s not bad! In fact, it’s surprisingly enjoyable. Granted, it’s a little sad that I have to pay 10 bucks to see a Simpsons episode that’s actually funny these days, but hey, I’ll take it where I can get it.

The plot revolves around Homer Simpson, everyone’s favorite beer-swilling, donut-munching, good-natured idiot after he dumps toxic waste into the Lake Springfield causing an ecological disaster that gets the entire town quarantined. Right here, I imagine some movie-goers will be confused. Hell, I see worse things wash up on the shores of Santa Monica on a daily basis. In fact, now might be a good time to explain to children that the L.A. river basin wasn’t always filled with used condoms, abandoned cars, and dead bodies. It actually used to have water in it. What’s water, kids? Nevermind. Have a Coke. Anyway, back to the film.

In a twist of art imitating life, the film’s villains are the United States government. This will be a shock to no one except those in the United States government. In the film, they want to blow up Springfield in order to cover up Homer’s mistake. Which is absurd since everyone knows America would never blow things up because of a mistake!

In the end, the movie embodies what I used to love about the Simpsons--great moments of comedy and a solid social message. It might even inspire you to start recycling. Can’t find a bin? Ah, don’t worry about it. Just toss it in the ocean.

Owen Wilson Hospitalized After Hilarious Madcap "Suicide Attempt"

Ironically, this story coincides with the opening of a new Disneyland attraction based the film "Cars" in which Wilson played a hot rod that got his boost from high-octane fuel instead of cocaine. In the new attraction, guests sit inside a cute, anthropomorphic vehicle, lock the garage door, and run a hose from the exhuast pipe in through the driver's side window.

Details are scarce at the moment, but rumors abound that Wilson had "superficially" slashed his wrists and taken an overdose of drugs. In true comedic fashion, Wilson's screen partner Ben Stiller slapped his forehead in disgust before grabbing a bottle of sleeping pills to show Wilson how to do it right.

Some are arguing that this wasn't a suicide attempt at all but rather just a cover-up protecting Wilson's secret heroin addiction. But honestly, if your way of minmizing bad press is to make up a story about a suicide attempt, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your lifestyle. If he and Lindsay Lohan ever had a kid, it wouldn't be human--just a bulimic mass of pills, used needles, and regret soaked in Jack Daniels.

Actually, I happen to have the real scoop on what went down. After a series of thoughtful art-house films like "Bottle Rocket" and "The Life Aquatic" as well as an Academy Award nomination for co-writing "The Royal Tennenbaums," Wilson was expecting "You, Me and Dupree" to be his "Citizen Kane." However, as is oft the case in Hollywood, the studio wrenched control from Wilson at the last minute and turned his melancholy post-World War I epic into a brainless summer comedy about a simple-minded slacker named Dupree who likes margaritas.

Things went downhill for Wilson after he attended a screening of the film and saw that his character's heroic battle with polio had been re-editted into a farting contest with a dog.

At home, things weren't much better. What was once a fantasy life in which he dated Kate Hudson gave way to the stark reality that he dated Kate Hudson. Eventually the strain became too much to bear and the man whose delightful wit and charm made us look past his weird nose attempted to take his own life.

Hopefully Wilson will make a full recovery and the world will not be denied the completion of the "Shanghai Noon" trilogy. Until then, watch this oddly prophetic clip from "The Royal Tennenbaums" starring that other Wilson brother: