Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again--this time by the LAPD’s new “Lohan Division."
She was charged with possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, and attacking her personal assistant’s mother with her car. “I am innocent,” Lohan claimed in a heartfelt text message she wrote while stabbing a homeless person.
She, along with her friends Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Nicole Richie can all be seen soon in their upcoming roles as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Living the Good lie
Boom Chicago
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Muggle Rage
I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the fifth installment in J.K. Rowling’s wizarding series which includes titles that all sound vaguely like soft-core porn--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Dripping Wand of Ecstasy. You see what I mean.
Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.
First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”
If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.
Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.
And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.
First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”
If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.
Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.
And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Worst Movie Poster Ever?
I don't know how hard it is to put a movie poster together, but I'm gonna guess that the answer is "not that."
Honestly. The major actors in a film usually have contractual demands that do most of the work for you: "My face must take up 50% of the entire sheet. I must appear at least 3 times in 3 different outfits. My name must be either on fire or made out of shiny metal." The biggest challenge then is how to convey the high-concept plotlines that Hollywood is farting out these days in a single panel that can be understood by your average mouth-breather.
With that in mind, I present the poster for "Premonition."
Look at that fucking calendar. That is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Just look at it. It's like a 4 year-old put it together. Let me tell you, the first thing I do when I find out someone I love is going to die, is mark it on my calendar. Then, if I'm wrong, I'll probably be annoyed and have to correct it. With a red pen. So there's no confusion this time. This is retarded. What if the "Memento" poster had Guy Pierce holding a big cardboard sign that read, "I can't remember stuff." Or if "The Crying Game" ads featured a thought bubble that said, "I hope no one finds out I have a dingus." Come on.
And by the way, if this movie is called "Premonition" wouldn't you find out that Jim dies BEFORE Jim dies? It's not exactly exciting to discover that someone is going to die yesterday. My Lord. That's not even a premonition! It's just a monition.
Sandra Bullock really doesn't need this kind of help keeping people from the cinemas. Her career started off very promising during the early 90s, but since she hired a helper monkey to pick her scripts for her, Bullock has all the credibility of President Bush wearing a fake Hitler moustache. In other words, the best way to get me to not see a movie is to remind me of cinematic turds like "Practical Magic" and "Miss Congeniality 2." All of her films boil down to her getting real choked up and fanning her face with both hands.
It's not your imagination. This is one of the worst posters ever. Just edging out Tim Allen's scary human-eyes-on-a-dog from the "Shaggy Dog"...
And Eddie Murphy getting us to hate him twice at the same time with "Norbit"...
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Honestly. The major actors in a film usually have contractual demands that do most of the work for you: "My face must take up 50% of the entire sheet. I must appear at least 3 times in 3 different outfits. My name must be either on fire or made out of shiny metal." The biggest challenge then is how to convey the high-concept plotlines that Hollywood is farting out these days in a single panel that can be understood by your average mouth-breather.
With that in mind, I present the poster for "Premonition."
Look at that fucking calendar. That is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Just look at it. It's like a 4 year-old put it together. Let me tell you, the first thing I do when I find out someone I love is going to die, is mark it on my calendar. Then, if I'm wrong, I'll probably be annoyed and have to correct it. With a red pen. So there's no confusion this time. This is retarded. What if the "Memento" poster had Guy Pierce holding a big cardboard sign that read, "I can't remember stuff." Or if "The Crying Game" ads featured a thought bubble that said, "I hope no one finds out I have a dingus." Come on.
And by the way, if this movie is called "Premonition" wouldn't you find out that Jim dies BEFORE Jim dies? It's not exactly exciting to discover that someone is going to die yesterday. My Lord. That's not even a premonition! It's just a monition.
Sandra Bullock really doesn't need this kind of help keeping people from the cinemas. Her career started off very promising during the early 90s, but since she hired a helper monkey to pick her scripts for her, Bullock has all the credibility of President Bush wearing a fake Hitler moustache. In other words, the best way to get me to not see a movie is to remind me of cinematic turds like "Practical Magic" and "Miss Congeniality 2." All of her films boil down to her getting real choked up and fanning her face with both hands.
It's not your imagination. This is one of the worst posters ever. Just edging out Tim Allen's scary human-eyes-on-a-dog from the "Shaggy Dog"...
And Eddie Murphy getting us to hate him twice at the same time with "Norbit"...
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
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