I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the fifth installment in J.K. Rowling’s wizarding series which includes titles that all sound vaguely like soft-core porn--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Dripping Wand of Ecstasy. You see what I mean.
Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.
First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”
If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.
Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.
And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.
First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”
If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.
Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.
And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
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