Transformers, Squid-Faced Pirates, and Bruce Willis. There are no longer any real human beings being used in summer blockbusters.
I just did a two-day binge of "Live Free or Die Hard" and "Transformers", and the logic centers of my brain are still hurting. Don't get me wrong, there were a couple good mindless moments to be had in each movie, but with all the explosions and last-minute close calls edited to digital precision, I can't help but get the sense that Hollywood has forgotten what real people are supposed to be like.
What few biological organisms enter the frame are usually the same thinly-drawn stereotypes. I imagine Michael Bay, terrified that his film won't break box office records, mercilessly rubbing a flaccid penis with increasing ferocity instead of just taking five minutes to relax and let the damn thing rise on its own.
I think people are fooled into liking this crap because they are constantly being told they are supposed to. But we don't need a dizzying array of loud sounds and blurred cgi to be entertained. Even in an action film. The first "Die Hard", if you will recall, was actually a GOOD MOVIE. In many ways, it created what we know as the modern action film genre, and what did it have? Like one or two explosions? The reason that it worked was two-fold:
One, John McClane was vulnerable. People can relate to a guy whose marriage is on the rocks and when he walks on broken glass, it fucking HURTS.
Two, Carl Winslow is in it and that's just awesome.
Nowadays, every action star is the same. Humanity is stripped away frame by frame until they all become the Terminator. Case and point: watch this scene from the latest "Die Hard" movie as Bruce Willis fist-fights a fighter jet... and wins:
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
He belongs in a museum!
The first official picture of Harrison Ford returning as Indiana Jones has been released. Come on. You know you're curious...
Well, I'd like to make fun, but so far he actually looks pretty good... in a 64 years-old sort of way. The strangest thing to me is that apparently Indy hasn't bought any new clothes in the last 20 years. He changes girlfriends more often than he changes shirts.
Steven Spielberg returns to direct, and the movie is set in the 1950s which means less Nazis for you history buffs out there. Along with Ford, the film stars Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, Ray Winstone and Jim Broadbent. Also appearing is Shia "Just Try And Pronounce My Name" LeBeouf, previously of "Even Stevens" fame. He's rumored to be playing *gulp* Indy's son which is an idea bad enough to convince me that George Lucas is still producing.
How do I feel about this movie? It's tough. The practical part of me says it ended so perfectly last time with Indy and his dad (who will not be returning) literally riding off into the sunset. That said, the selfish 12 year-old in me really wants to see one more kick-ass Indiana Jones movie.
So I'm rooting for this one. Even if that means I'll have to endure a scene with Harrison Ford in a wheelchair chase.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Well, I'd like to make fun, but so far he actually looks pretty good... in a 64 years-old sort of way. The strangest thing to me is that apparently Indy hasn't bought any new clothes in the last 20 years. He changes girlfriends more often than he changes shirts.
Steven Spielberg returns to direct, and the movie is set in the 1950s which means less Nazis for you history buffs out there. Along with Ford, the film stars Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, Ray Winstone and Jim Broadbent. Also appearing is Shia "Just Try And Pronounce My Name" LeBeouf, previously of "Even Stevens" fame. He's rumored to be playing *gulp* Indy's son which is an idea bad enough to convince me that George Lucas is still producing.
How do I feel about this movie? It's tough. The practical part of me says it ended so perfectly last time with Indy and his dad (who will not be returning) literally riding off into the sunset. That said, the selfish 12 year-old in me really wants to see one more kick-ass Indiana Jones movie.
So I'm rooting for this one. Even if that means I'll have to endure a scene with Harrison Ford in a wheelchair chase.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Sunday, June 10, 2007
F*ing Sequels!
This summer is bringing us what has to be an unprecendented number of movie sequels, but to be honest, people have been complaining about that for years now. In fact, the observation alone is about as fresh as Ice Cube getting hit in the balls again by a bunch of horrible kids.
But that's what you get when the country with the largest entertainment industry also boasts one of the worst educational systems. And even the greatest tragedy in American history hasn't caused us to wise up. I'm speaking of course about "Deuce Bigalow II."
If you haven't already had your expectations raped by the mess that was "Spider-Man 3", and then prayed to an absent god as the even worse "Pirates of the Carribean 3" lept from the shadows for sloppy seconds, then you can look forward to even more poorly conceived projects that confirm Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago. Let's do a quick run-through of what horrors await you at the box office:
Ocean's 13 - The movie series that feels more like watching a really cool party that you weren't invited to gets a third installment, presumably because the crack team of thieves who stole millions of dollars in the previous films hired MC Hammer's accountant. The movie follows Danny Ocean, who suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder requiring him to pull off exceedingly dangerous heists, each time increasing the size of his team by 1. Will anyone die this time? Here's a hint: the next one probably won't be called "Ocean's 9".
Hostel: Part II - I know. There are so many questions left over from the first "Hostel"--primarily why the hell was it made in the first place!? What can you say about a movie that literally has people speaking German and calling it Dutch? The "Saw"-inspired trend of watching 2-dimensional characters being graphically tortured for 2 hours and calling it "horror" continues, but the awful acting, terrible dialogue, and low production values really define a new category unto itself: "gore-nography."
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The first Fantastic Four film loses out maybe only to Shaq's crapfest "Steel" as the worst superhero film ever made. I'd argue "Ghostrider" but I don't want to be cruel since that film was clearly directed by a six year-old. FF should have come and gone, but people are sad and need to be distracted from the harsh realities of the Iraq war, so they went to the movies and watched this afterbirth of cinema. It's just totally unwatchable. It's like Jessica Alba learns her lines phonetically without any concept of what the words actually mean. But hey, if you can teach a dog to say "I love you", why not? Rise of the Silver Surfer? Sounds like an embarassing "boner" joke.
Evan Almighty - Hey, you know what works really well? Jim Carey sequels without Jim Carey! This'll make more than "Son of the Mask" and "Dumb and Dumberer" combined! I hope somebody jumps out a window over this one.
28 Weeks Later - Ah, the zombie series that isn't about zombies. The first film was stylish if overrated and now the standard "Aliens" formula is being applied. If 28 DAYS is scary, 28 WEEKS must be pants-shittingly terrifying! I frankly don't see a need to revisit a world where people get infected in the space of about 3 seconds and then have the single-minded purpose of biting and throwing up on you. I'd call it the most implausable thing on film, but I still can't get over that whole Jessica Alba having a career thing. Seriously. She's like a parrot.
Die Hard 4.0 - Whenever studios figure they have to punch up the integer in the movie's title by making it look edgy like "4 POINT 0"! Or "CUBED"! Or writing the "e" as a fucking "3" or something, it's nature's way of saying "don't watch me, I'm going to suck." Bruce Willis' receding hairline has finally reached the back of his neck, but he's returned anyway to show us that he's still cool. Seriously. As cool as Justin Long. Hey, those two should do the movie TOGETHER! Oh shit. I was just kidding. What have I done? This film will finally answer the question of why we haven't won the war on terrorism. Because real cops are pussies compared to John McClane.
NOTE: I just found out that "Die Hard 4.0" is just the European title. In the States, it's "Live Free or Die Hard." And here I was worried the title would be something stupid.
Well, that's all I can handle right now. When you're buying your next ticket, try this: do it blind. Have them surprise you with the movie you're going to see. Chances are you already saw it anyway when the story was newer and the actors were less fat.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
But that's what you get when the country with the largest entertainment industry also boasts one of the worst educational systems. And even the greatest tragedy in American history hasn't caused us to wise up. I'm speaking of course about "Deuce Bigalow II."
If you haven't already had your expectations raped by the mess that was "Spider-Man 3", and then prayed to an absent god as the even worse "Pirates of the Carribean 3" lept from the shadows for sloppy seconds, then you can look forward to even more poorly conceived projects that confirm Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago. Let's do a quick run-through of what horrors await you at the box office:
Ocean's 13 - The movie series that feels more like watching a really cool party that you weren't invited to gets a third installment, presumably because the crack team of thieves who stole millions of dollars in the previous films hired MC Hammer's accountant. The movie follows Danny Ocean, who suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder requiring him to pull off exceedingly dangerous heists, each time increasing the size of his team by 1. Will anyone die this time? Here's a hint: the next one probably won't be called "Ocean's 9".
Hostel: Part II - I know. There are so many questions left over from the first "Hostel"--primarily why the hell was it made in the first place!? What can you say about a movie that literally has people speaking German and calling it Dutch? The "Saw"-inspired trend of watching 2-dimensional characters being graphically tortured for 2 hours and calling it "horror" continues, but the awful acting, terrible dialogue, and low production values really define a new category unto itself: "gore-nography."
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The first Fantastic Four film loses out maybe only to Shaq's crapfest "Steel" as the worst superhero film ever made. I'd argue "Ghostrider" but I don't want to be cruel since that film was clearly directed by a six year-old. FF should have come and gone, but people are sad and need to be distracted from the harsh realities of the Iraq war, so they went to the movies and watched this afterbirth of cinema. It's just totally unwatchable. It's like Jessica Alba learns her lines phonetically without any concept of what the words actually mean. But hey, if you can teach a dog to say "I love you", why not? Rise of the Silver Surfer? Sounds like an embarassing "boner" joke.
Evan Almighty - Hey, you know what works really well? Jim Carey sequels without Jim Carey! This'll make more than "Son of the Mask" and "Dumb and Dumberer" combined! I hope somebody jumps out a window over this one.
28 Weeks Later - Ah, the zombie series that isn't about zombies. The first film was stylish if overrated and now the standard "Aliens" formula is being applied. If 28 DAYS is scary, 28 WEEKS must be pants-shittingly terrifying! I frankly don't see a need to revisit a world where people get infected in the space of about 3 seconds and then have the single-minded purpose of biting and throwing up on you. I'd call it the most implausable thing on film, but I still can't get over that whole Jessica Alba having a career thing. Seriously. She's like a parrot.
Die Hard 4.0 - Whenever studios figure they have to punch up the integer in the movie's title by making it look edgy like "4 POINT 0"! Or "CUBED"! Or writing the "e" as a fucking "3" or something, it's nature's way of saying "don't watch me, I'm going to suck." Bruce Willis' receding hairline has finally reached the back of his neck, but he's returned anyway to show us that he's still cool. Seriously. As cool as Justin Long. Hey, those two should do the movie TOGETHER! Oh shit. I was just kidding. What have I done? This film will finally answer the question of why we haven't won the war on terrorism. Because real cops are pussies compared to John McClane.
NOTE: I just found out that "Die Hard 4.0" is just the European title. In the States, it's "Live Free or Die Hard." And here I was worried the title would be something stupid.
Well, that's all I can handle right now. When you're buying your next ticket, try this: do it blind. Have them surprise you with the movie you're going to see. Chances are you already saw it anyway when the story was newer and the actors were less fat.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Friday, June 1, 2007
Where I Draw the Line
It's one thing to post videos of celebrities acting like flat-out bastards or just plain embarassing themselves, but I'm not in the business of selling human misery.
That's precisely the reason I'm not touching the "drunk David Hasselhoff" video. Watch it for 15 seconds and it's amusing in that Barney from the Simpsons sort of way. Watch it a bit longer and what you hear is the heart-breaking voice of his wise-beyond-her-years teenage daughter pleading with her dad to help himself. He drools. He says "fuck you." This is what drunks do. But he also says he's lonely. There's no entertainment there. This is a raw, private moment that should never have been broadcast to the world.
I hope Hasselhoff gets the help he needs and is able to make things up to his clearly concerned child. And while that happens, I'll be happy to put up clips of Jay Leno getting his nuts caught in a belt-sander.
Hey, a guy can hope.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
That's precisely the reason I'm not touching the "drunk David Hasselhoff" video. Watch it for 15 seconds and it's amusing in that Barney from the Simpsons sort of way. Watch it a bit longer and what you hear is the heart-breaking voice of his wise-beyond-her-years teenage daughter pleading with her dad to help himself. He drools. He says "fuck you." This is what drunks do. But he also says he's lonely. There's no entertainment there. This is a raw, private moment that should never have been broadcast to the world.
I hope Hasselhoff gets the help he needs and is able to make things up to his clearly concerned child. And while that happens, I'll be happy to put up clips of Jay Leno getting his nuts caught in a belt-sander.
Hey, a guy can hope.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
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