This summer is bringing us what has to be an unprecendented number of movie sequels, but to be honest, people have been complaining about that for years now. In fact, the observation alone is about as fresh as Ice Cube getting hit in the balls again by a bunch of horrible kids.
But that's what you get when the country with the largest entertainment industry also boasts one of the worst educational systems. And even the greatest tragedy in American history hasn't caused us to wise up. I'm speaking of course about "Deuce Bigalow II."
If you haven't already had your expectations raped by the mess that was "Spider-Man 3", and then prayed to an absent god as the even worse "Pirates of the Carribean 3" lept from the shadows for sloppy seconds, then you can look forward to even more poorly conceived projects that confirm Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago. Let's do a quick run-through of what horrors await you at the box office:
Ocean's 13 - The movie series that feels more like watching a really cool party that you weren't invited to gets a third installment, presumably because the crack team of thieves who stole millions of dollars in the previous films hired MC Hammer's accountant. The movie follows Danny Ocean, who suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder requiring him to pull off exceedingly dangerous heists, each time increasing the size of his team by 1. Will anyone die this time? Here's a hint: the next one probably won't be called "Ocean's 9".
Hostel: Part II - I know. There are so many questions left over from the first "Hostel"--primarily why the hell was it made in the first place!? What can you say about a movie that literally has people speaking German and calling it Dutch? The "Saw"-inspired trend of watching 2-dimensional characters being graphically tortured for 2 hours and calling it "horror" continues, but the awful acting, terrible dialogue, and low production values really define a new category unto itself: "gore-nography."
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The first Fantastic Four film loses out maybe only to Shaq's crapfest "Steel" as the worst superhero film ever made. I'd argue "Ghostrider" but I don't want to be cruel since that film was clearly directed by a six year-old. FF should have come and gone, but people are sad and need to be distracted from the harsh realities of the Iraq war, so they went to the movies and watched this afterbirth of cinema. It's just totally unwatchable. It's like Jessica Alba learns her lines phonetically without any concept of what the words actually mean. But hey, if you can teach a dog to say "I love you", why not? Rise of the Silver Surfer? Sounds like an embarassing "boner" joke.
Evan Almighty - Hey, you know what works really well? Jim Carey sequels without Jim Carey! This'll make more than "Son of the Mask" and "Dumb and Dumberer" combined! I hope somebody jumps out a window over this one.
28 Weeks Later - Ah, the zombie series that isn't about zombies. The first film was stylish if overrated and now the standard "Aliens" formula is being applied. If 28 DAYS is scary, 28 WEEKS must be pants-shittingly terrifying! I frankly don't see a need to revisit a world where people get infected in the space of about 3 seconds and then have the single-minded purpose of biting and throwing up on you. I'd call it the most implausable thing on film, but I still can't get over that whole Jessica Alba having a career thing. Seriously. She's like a parrot.
Die Hard 4.0 - Whenever studios figure they have to punch up the integer in the movie's title by making it look edgy like "4 POINT 0"! Or "CUBED"! Or writing the "e" as a fucking "3" or something, it's nature's way of saying "don't watch me, I'm going to suck." Bruce Willis' receding hairline has finally reached the back of his neck, but he's returned anyway to show us that he's still cool. Seriously. As cool as Justin Long. Hey, those two should do the movie TOGETHER! Oh shit. I was just kidding. What have I done? This film will finally answer the question of why we haven't won the war on terrorism. Because real cops are pussies compared to John McClane.
NOTE: I just found out that "Die Hard 4.0" is just the European title. In the States, it's "Live Free or Die Hard." And here I was worried the title would be something stupid.
Well, that's all I can handle right now. When you're buying your next ticket, try this: do it blind. Have them surprise you with the movie you're going to see. Chances are you already saw it anyway when the story was newer and the actors were less fat.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
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