This Years MTV VMAs Were Amazing

Video. Music. Awards.
Three little words that bring a smile to my heart as I look back at the debacle that was this years VMAs.
Apparently the TV station Empty-V plays music videos in-between episodes of Hogan Knows Best and My Super Sweet 16. And apparently some people care about pop music in 2007. Thus, this past weekend the world was treated to a non-stop display of organized showing off by some of the planets more vacuous ‘personalities’.

In honor of the train-wreck that was this years VMAs I hereby announce the first edition of the annual Living The Good Lie VMA top Three.

#3 Kanye West Is Sensitive.
Preppy wannabe tough guy rapper Kanye West chose the 2007 VMAs to make it clear why he wears teddy bear sweaters. BECAUSE HE IS A MOMMYS BOY. Poor little Kanye threw a temper tantrum backstage when he didn’t win any awards. A big tough rapper getting his panties in a twist because a company owned by rich old white men didn’t give him a shiny award.



Kanye: You Suck.

#2 Middle Aged Men Are Tough.
Pamela Anderson must be one hell of a good lay because her two ex-husbands decided to put their handbags down, take off their earrings and slap each other. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee put on the worst display of girl-fighting this side of Kanye West in a room full of teddy bears. These two has-beens played “hold me back, hold me back” with their buddies until security rushed in and broke up the cuddle-fest.



Real tough guys, really.

#1 Oops She Blew It Again.
Britney Spears Is Awful.
So her performance was meant to be a come-back. It was not. What it was was entertaining. In fact I would have to put this little lipsyched shimmy fest down as the best thing I have ever seen on Empty-V. She didn’t sing, she didn’t dance, she didn’t do anything that could remotely be called a performance really, oh, and she dressed like a two dollar hooker. In other words: It was AMAZING!

EDIT: Bloody MTV and their bloody lawyers! alll evidence of this earth shattering event has been cease and desisted from the internet... I offer you instead, a word from Britneys spokesman:



Thank you Britney, Thank you Empty-V. See you next year kids.

The Simpsons: Are They Funny Again?

The Simpsons is a television legend. Everybody has seen it. Even Aboriginal children living in caves who brush their teeth with a stick know who Bart Simpson is. And how can you not? The show has more seasons under its belt than Britney Spears has stretch marks.

Unfortunately, what began as a comedy giant has since shrunken into a comedy dwarf—which is to say it has a normal-sized head but its arms and legs are all stubby and weird. It’s no secret that for a long time, the Simpsons hasn’t been as sharp as it used to be. Not since its glory years in the early to mid 90s… which is a problem unless you live in Europe where American TV arrives so late, those episodes are probably airing for the first time right now. Right along with the premieres of “Diff’rent Strokes” and “A.L.F.”

Anyway, after 19 seasons on the air along with countless officially merchandized t-shirts, dolls, baseball caps, board games, and sex toys, the Simpsons finally seemed to be running of out steam. The hard work of hundreds of Korean animators had been completely mined, and show creator Matt Groening had grown tired of cashing the same old royalty checks for a show he hasn’t done squat for since Bush Sr. was in office.

So, what do you do with a show that has run out of ideas? Just ask the X-Files! You put it on a bigger screen and start charging people to watch it! This of course brings us to The Simpsons Movie.

Leading up to its blockbuster theatrical premiere, “Simpsons Fever” gripped the United States which prior to that only had rampant obesity to worry about. In fact, to help market the Simpsons movie, several 7-11 convenience stores in America were temporarily changed into “Kwik-E-Marts” the fictional store owned by the character Apu. To make that switch 100% authentic, Indian shop owners only had to trade in their store logos, their usual selection of merchandise, and their last shred of dignity.

But here’s the thing. The movie’s not bad! In fact, it’s surprisingly enjoyable. Granted, it’s a little sad that I have to pay 10 bucks to see a Simpsons episode that’s actually funny these days, but hey, I’ll take it where I can get it.

The plot revolves around Homer Simpson, everyone’s favorite beer-swilling, donut-munching, good-natured idiot after he dumps toxic waste into the Lake Springfield causing an ecological disaster that gets the entire town quarantined. Right here, I imagine some movie-goers will be confused. Hell, I see worse things wash up on the shores of Santa Monica on a daily basis. In fact, now might be a good time to explain to children that the L.A. river basin wasn’t always filled with used condoms, abandoned cars, and dead bodies. It actually used to have water in it. What’s water, kids? Nevermind. Have a Coke. Anyway, back to the film.

In a twist of art imitating life, the film’s villains are the United States government. This will be a shock to no one except those in the United States government. In the film, they want to blow up Springfield in order to cover up Homer’s mistake. Which is absurd since everyone knows America would never blow things up because of a mistake!

In the end, the movie embodies what I used to love about the Simpsons--great moments of comedy and a solid social message. It might even inspire you to start recycling. Can’t find a bin? Ah, don’t worry about it. Just toss it in the ocean.

Owen Wilson Hospitalized After Hilarious Madcap "Suicide Attempt"

Ironically, this story coincides with the opening of a new Disneyland attraction based the film "Cars" in which Wilson played a hot rod that got his boost from high-octane fuel instead of cocaine. In the new attraction, guests sit inside a cute, anthropomorphic vehicle, lock the garage door, and run a hose from the exhuast pipe in through the driver's side window.

Details are scarce at the moment, but rumors abound that Wilson had "superficially" slashed his wrists and taken an overdose of drugs. In true comedic fashion, Wilson's screen partner Ben Stiller slapped his forehead in disgust before grabbing a bottle of sleeping pills to show Wilson how to do it right.

Some are arguing that this wasn't a suicide attempt at all but rather just a cover-up protecting Wilson's secret heroin addiction. But honestly, if your way of minmizing bad press is to make up a story about a suicide attempt, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your lifestyle. If he and Lindsay Lohan ever had a kid, it wouldn't be human--just a bulimic mass of pills, used needles, and regret soaked in Jack Daniels.

Actually, I happen to have the real scoop on what went down. After a series of thoughtful art-house films like "Bottle Rocket" and "The Life Aquatic" as well as an Academy Award nomination for co-writing "The Royal Tennenbaums," Wilson was expecting "You, Me and Dupree" to be his "Citizen Kane." However, as is oft the case in Hollywood, the studio wrenched control from Wilson at the last minute and turned his melancholy post-World War I epic into a brainless summer comedy about a simple-minded slacker named Dupree who likes margaritas.

Things went downhill for Wilson after he attended a screening of the film and saw that his character's heroic battle with polio had been re-editted into a farting contest with a dog.

At home, things weren't much better. What was once a fantasy life in which he dated Kate Hudson gave way to the stark reality that he dated Kate Hudson. Eventually the strain became too much to bear and the man whose delightful wit and charm made us look past his weird nose attempted to take his own life.

Hopefully Wilson will make a full recovery and the world will not be denied the completion of the "Shanghai Noon" trilogy. Until then, watch this oddly prophetic clip from "The Royal Tennenbaums" starring that other Wilson brother:

Holy Crap, Batman! Leaked photos from the set of "The Dark Knight"!

Batman Begins was awesome, no doubt about it. Now here are the first really clear images of Heath Ledger in the upcoming sequel. Is he the Joker or just a joker? You decide.

Living the good lie

Boom Chicago

Lohandling Things Poorly

Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again--this time by the LAPD’s new “Lohan Division."

She was charged with possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, and attacking her personal assistant’s mother with her car. “I am innocent,” Lohan claimed in a heartfelt text message she wrote while stabbing a homeless person.

She, along with her friends Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Nicole Richie can all be seen soon in their upcoming roles as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Living the Good lie

Boom Chicago

Muggle Rage

I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the fifth installment in J.K. Rowling’s wizarding series which includes titles that all sound vaguely like soft-core porn--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Dripping Wand of Ecstasy. You see what I mean.

Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.

First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”

If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.

Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.

And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.

Living the good lie

Boom Chicago

The Worst Movie Poster Ever?

I don't know how hard it is to put a movie poster together, but I'm gonna guess that the answer is "not that."

Honestly. The major actors in a film usually have contractual demands that do most of the work for you: "My face must take up 50% of the entire sheet. I must appear at least 3 times in 3 different outfits. My name must be either on fire or made out of shiny metal." The biggest challenge then is how to convey the high-concept plotlines that Hollywood is farting out these days in a single panel that can be understood by your average mouth-breather.

With that in mind, I present the poster for "Premonition."




Look at that fucking calendar. That is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Just look at it. It's like a 4 year-old put it together. Let me tell you, the first thing I do when I find out someone I love is going to die, is mark it on my calendar. Then, if I'm wrong, I'll probably be annoyed and have to correct it. With a red pen. So there's no confusion this time. This is retarded. What if the "Memento" poster had Guy Pierce holding a big cardboard sign that read, "I can't remember stuff." Or if "The Crying Game" ads featured a thought bubble that said, "I hope no one finds out I have a dingus." Come on.

And by the way, if this movie is called "Premonition" wouldn't you find out that Jim dies BEFORE Jim dies? It's not exactly exciting to discover that someone is going to die yesterday. My Lord. That's not even a premonition! It's just a monition.

Sandra Bullock really doesn't need this kind of help keeping people from the cinemas. Her career started off very promising during the early 90s, but since she hired a helper monkey to pick her scripts for her, Bullock has all the credibility of President Bush wearing a fake Hitler moustache. In other words, the best way to get me to not see a movie is to remind me of cinematic turds like "Practical Magic" and "Miss Congeniality 2." All of her films boil down to her getting real choked up and fanning her face with both hands.

It's not your imagination. This is one of the worst posters ever. Just edging out Tim Allen's scary human-eyes-on-a-dog from the "Shaggy Dog"...



And Eddie Murphy getting us to hate him twice at the same time with "Norbit"...



Living the good lie

Boom Chicago