Batman Begins was awesome, no doubt about it. Now here are the first really clear images of Heath Ledger in the upcoming sequel. Is he the Joker or just a joker? You decide.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Lohandling Things Poorly
Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again--this time by the LAPD’s new “Lohan Division."
She was charged with possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, and attacking her personal assistant’s mother with her car. “I am innocent,” Lohan claimed in a heartfelt text message she wrote while stabbing a homeless person.
She, along with her friends Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Nicole Richie can all be seen soon in their upcoming roles as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Living the Good lie
Boom Chicago
She was charged with possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, and attacking her personal assistant’s mother with her car. “I am innocent,” Lohan claimed in a heartfelt text message she wrote while stabbing a homeless person.
She, along with her friends Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Nicole Richie can all be seen soon in their upcoming roles as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Living the Good lie
Boom Chicago
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Muggle Rage
I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the fifth installment in J.K. Rowling’s wizarding series which includes titles that all sound vaguely like soft-core porn--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Dripping Wand of Ecstasy. You see what I mean.
Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.
First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”
If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.
Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.
And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Now if you haven’t been caught up in all the magic and wonder of these films you’re probably a “muggle”—which is okay for me to say since I am one, but I swear to God, if I ever hear a fucking wizard use that word to my face… That’s our word. Anyway, speaking as a “person of muggle,” I honestly don’t get what all the hype is about.
First of all, J.K. Rowling sets up these mysteries in her stories, but she always gives it away when she names characters. Who’s the one killing the students? Is it Professor Candy Apple or Professor Murdersby!? Thanks, JK. That’d be terrific, if my reading level was first trimester. She’s worse than George Lucas, and he once named a character “Sleazebaggio.”
If you haven’t read the books, watching these movies is like a watching a 20-act play about a bunch of effete English ponces in which stuff just happens. Cause it’s all magic, see? And because it’s all magic, J.K. Rowling can’t write herself into a corner. It’s impossible. Look out, Harry, a dragon! That’s okay, I have a box with an egg inside and if you crack open the egg and make an omelet from it, you’ll be invisible to dragons. And here, Ron, take this hat made of goblin hair. If you wear it, it cures bowel cancer. There’s just no stakes. Christian fundamentalists claim that the Harry Potter series promotes Devil-worship, but I think it just promotes lazy writing.
Now a big deal has been made about the final book and what’s going to happen to Harry and how are all the big secrets going to be explained? Hey, here’s a hint: magic. Everything’s magic. How did Professor Dingleberry survive being eaten by a fire crab? Magic! Where do babies come from? Magic! Don’t question it! It’s magic! You know what would be surprising? If in the final book, Harry Potter got killed by a sniper. That would surprise me. But even if that happens, the gun’ll probably be magic.
And that’s Harry Potter. A movie with a bunch of famous English actors who all get 30 seconds of screen-time so that a house-elf someone made on an iMac can steal focus. But on the plus side, it’s always fun to watch child actors get older and weirder-looking, as the slow realization that they’ve made a huge mistake dawns on their faces.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Worst Movie Poster Ever?
I don't know how hard it is to put a movie poster together, but I'm gonna guess that the answer is "not that."
Honestly. The major actors in a film usually have contractual demands that do most of the work for you: "My face must take up 50% of the entire sheet. I must appear at least 3 times in 3 different outfits. My name must be either on fire or made out of shiny metal." The biggest challenge then is how to convey the high-concept plotlines that Hollywood is farting out these days in a single panel that can be understood by your average mouth-breather.
With that in mind, I present the poster for "Premonition."
Look at that fucking calendar. That is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Just look at it. It's like a 4 year-old put it together. Let me tell you, the first thing I do when I find out someone I love is going to die, is mark it on my calendar. Then, if I'm wrong, I'll probably be annoyed and have to correct it. With a red pen. So there's no confusion this time. This is retarded. What if the "Memento" poster had Guy Pierce holding a big cardboard sign that read, "I can't remember stuff." Or if "The Crying Game" ads featured a thought bubble that said, "I hope no one finds out I have a dingus." Come on.
And by the way, if this movie is called "Premonition" wouldn't you find out that Jim dies BEFORE Jim dies? It's not exactly exciting to discover that someone is going to die yesterday. My Lord. That's not even a premonition! It's just a monition.
Sandra Bullock really doesn't need this kind of help keeping people from the cinemas. Her career started off very promising during the early 90s, but since she hired a helper monkey to pick her scripts for her, Bullock has all the credibility of President Bush wearing a fake Hitler moustache. In other words, the best way to get me to not see a movie is to remind me of cinematic turds like "Practical Magic" and "Miss Congeniality 2." All of her films boil down to her getting real choked up and fanning her face with both hands.
It's not your imagination. This is one of the worst posters ever. Just edging out Tim Allen's scary human-eyes-on-a-dog from the "Shaggy Dog"...
And Eddie Murphy getting us to hate him twice at the same time with "Norbit"...
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Honestly. The major actors in a film usually have contractual demands that do most of the work for you: "My face must take up 50% of the entire sheet. I must appear at least 3 times in 3 different outfits. My name must be either on fire or made out of shiny metal." The biggest challenge then is how to convey the high-concept plotlines that Hollywood is farting out these days in a single panel that can be understood by your average mouth-breather.
With that in mind, I present the poster for "Premonition."
Look at that fucking calendar. That is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Just look at it. It's like a 4 year-old put it together. Let me tell you, the first thing I do when I find out someone I love is going to die, is mark it on my calendar. Then, if I'm wrong, I'll probably be annoyed and have to correct it. With a red pen. So there's no confusion this time. This is retarded. What if the "Memento" poster had Guy Pierce holding a big cardboard sign that read, "I can't remember stuff." Or if "The Crying Game" ads featured a thought bubble that said, "I hope no one finds out I have a dingus." Come on.
And by the way, if this movie is called "Premonition" wouldn't you find out that Jim dies BEFORE Jim dies? It's not exactly exciting to discover that someone is going to die yesterday. My Lord. That's not even a premonition! It's just a monition.
Sandra Bullock really doesn't need this kind of help keeping people from the cinemas. Her career started off very promising during the early 90s, but since she hired a helper monkey to pick her scripts for her, Bullock has all the credibility of President Bush wearing a fake Hitler moustache. In other words, the best way to get me to not see a movie is to remind me of cinematic turds like "Practical Magic" and "Miss Congeniality 2." All of her films boil down to her getting real choked up and fanning her face with both hands.
It's not your imagination. This is one of the worst posters ever. Just edging out Tim Allen's scary human-eyes-on-a-dog from the "Shaggy Dog"...
And Eddie Murphy getting us to hate him twice at the same time with "Norbit"...
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Friday, June 29, 2007
More Computer-Generated Crap
Transformers, Squid-Faced Pirates, and Bruce Willis. There are no longer any real human beings being used in summer blockbusters.
I just did a two-day binge of "Live Free or Die Hard" and "Transformers", and the logic centers of my brain are still hurting. Don't get me wrong, there were a couple good mindless moments to be had in each movie, but with all the explosions and last-minute close calls edited to digital precision, I can't help but get the sense that Hollywood has forgotten what real people are supposed to be like.
What few biological organisms enter the frame are usually the same thinly-drawn stereotypes. I imagine Michael Bay, terrified that his film won't break box office records, mercilessly rubbing a flaccid penis with increasing ferocity instead of just taking five minutes to relax and let the damn thing rise on its own.
I think people are fooled into liking this crap because they are constantly being told they are supposed to. But we don't need a dizzying array of loud sounds and blurred cgi to be entertained. Even in an action film. The first "Die Hard", if you will recall, was actually a GOOD MOVIE. In many ways, it created what we know as the modern action film genre, and what did it have? Like one or two explosions? The reason that it worked was two-fold:
One, John McClane was vulnerable. People can relate to a guy whose marriage is on the rocks and when he walks on broken glass, it fucking HURTS.
Two, Carl Winslow is in it and that's just awesome.
Nowadays, every action star is the same. Humanity is stripped away frame by frame until they all become the Terminator. Case and point: watch this scene from the latest "Die Hard" movie as Bruce Willis fist-fights a fighter jet... and wins:
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
I just did a two-day binge of "Live Free or Die Hard" and "Transformers", and the logic centers of my brain are still hurting. Don't get me wrong, there were a couple good mindless moments to be had in each movie, but with all the explosions and last-minute close calls edited to digital precision, I can't help but get the sense that Hollywood has forgotten what real people are supposed to be like.
What few biological organisms enter the frame are usually the same thinly-drawn stereotypes. I imagine Michael Bay, terrified that his film won't break box office records, mercilessly rubbing a flaccid penis with increasing ferocity instead of just taking five minutes to relax and let the damn thing rise on its own.
I think people are fooled into liking this crap because they are constantly being told they are supposed to. But we don't need a dizzying array of loud sounds and blurred cgi to be entertained. Even in an action film. The first "Die Hard", if you will recall, was actually a GOOD MOVIE. In many ways, it created what we know as the modern action film genre, and what did it have? Like one or two explosions? The reason that it worked was two-fold:
One, John McClane was vulnerable. People can relate to a guy whose marriage is on the rocks and when he walks on broken glass, it fucking HURTS.
Two, Carl Winslow is in it and that's just awesome.
Nowadays, every action star is the same. Humanity is stripped away frame by frame until they all become the Terminator. Case and point: watch this scene from the latest "Die Hard" movie as Bruce Willis fist-fights a fighter jet... and wins:
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Thursday, June 21, 2007
He belongs in a museum!
The first official picture of Harrison Ford returning as Indiana Jones has been released. Come on. You know you're curious...
Well, I'd like to make fun, but so far he actually looks pretty good... in a 64 years-old sort of way. The strangest thing to me is that apparently Indy hasn't bought any new clothes in the last 20 years. He changes girlfriends more often than he changes shirts.
Steven Spielberg returns to direct, and the movie is set in the 1950s which means less Nazis for you history buffs out there. Along with Ford, the film stars Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, Ray Winstone and Jim Broadbent. Also appearing is Shia "Just Try And Pronounce My Name" LeBeouf, previously of "Even Stevens" fame. He's rumored to be playing *gulp* Indy's son which is an idea bad enough to convince me that George Lucas is still producing.
How do I feel about this movie? It's tough. The practical part of me says it ended so perfectly last time with Indy and his dad (who will not be returning) literally riding off into the sunset. That said, the selfish 12 year-old in me really wants to see one more kick-ass Indiana Jones movie.
So I'm rooting for this one. Even if that means I'll have to endure a scene with Harrison Ford in a wheelchair chase.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Well, I'd like to make fun, but so far he actually looks pretty good... in a 64 years-old sort of way. The strangest thing to me is that apparently Indy hasn't bought any new clothes in the last 20 years. He changes girlfriends more often than he changes shirts.
Steven Spielberg returns to direct, and the movie is set in the 1950s which means less Nazis for you history buffs out there. Along with Ford, the film stars Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, Ray Winstone and Jim Broadbent. Also appearing is Shia "Just Try And Pronounce My Name" LeBeouf, previously of "Even Stevens" fame. He's rumored to be playing *gulp* Indy's son which is an idea bad enough to convince me that George Lucas is still producing.
How do I feel about this movie? It's tough. The practical part of me says it ended so perfectly last time with Indy and his dad (who will not be returning) literally riding off into the sunset. That said, the selfish 12 year-old in me really wants to see one more kick-ass Indiana Jones movie.
So I'm rooting for this one. Even if that means I'll have to endure a scene with Harrison Ford in a wheelchair chase.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
Sunday, June 10, 2007
F*ing Sequels!
This summer is bringing us what has to be an unprecendented number of movie sequels, but to be honest, people have been complaining about that for years now. In fact, the observation alone is about as fresh as Ice Cube getting hit in the balls again by a bunch of horrible kids.
But that's what you get when the country with the largest entertainment industry also boasts one of the worst educational systems. And even the greatest tragedy in American history hasn't caused us to wise up. I'm speaking of course about "Deuce Bigalow II."
If you haven't already had your expectations raped by the mess that was "Spider-Man 3", and then prayed to an absent god as the even worse "Pirates of the Carribean 3" lept from the shadows for sloppy seconds, then you can look forward to even more poorly conceived projects that confirm Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago. Let's do a quick run-through of what horrors await you at the box office:
Ocean's 13 - The movie series that feels more like watching a really cool party that you weren't invited to gets a third installment, presumably because the crack team of thieves who stole millions of dollars in the previous films hired MC Hammer's accountant. The movie follows Danny Ocean, who suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder requiring him to pull off exceedingly dangerous heists, each time increasing the size of his team by 1. Will anyone die this time? Here's a hint: the next one probably won't be called "Ocean's 9".
Hostel: Part II - I know. There are so many questions left over from the first "Hostel"--primarily why the hell was it made in the first place!? What can you say about a movie that literally has people speaking German and calling it Dutch? The "Saw"-inspired trend of watching 2-dimensional characters being graphically tortured for 2 hours and calling it "horror" continues, but the awful acting, terrible dialogue, and low production values really define a new category unto itself: "gore-nography."
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The first Fantastic Four film loses out maybe only to Shaq's crapfest "Steel" as the worst superhero film ever made. I'd argue "Ghostrider" but I don't want to be cruel since that film was clearly directed by a six year-old. FF should have come and gone, but people are sad and need to be distracted from the harsh realities of the Iraq war, so they went to the movies and watched this afterbirth of cinema. It's just totally unwatchable. It's like Jessica Alba learns her lines phonetically without any concept of what the words actually mean. But hey, if you can teach a dog to say "I love you", why not? Rise of the Silver Surfer? Sounds like an embarassing "boner" joke.
Evan Almighty - Hey, you know what works really well? Jim Carey sequels without Jim Carey! This'll make more than "Son of the Mask" and "Dumb and Dumberer" combined! I hope somebody jumps out a window over this one.
28 Weeks Later - Ah, the zombie series that isn't about zombies. The first film was stylish if overrated and now the standard "Aliens" formula is being applied. If 28 DAYS is scary, 28 WEEKS must be pants-shittingly terrifying! I frankly don't see a need to revisit a world where people get infected in the space of about 3 seconds and then have the single-minded purpose of biting and throwing up on you. I'd call it the most implausable thing on film, but I still can't get over that whole Jessica Alba having a career thing. Seriously. She's like a parrot.
Die Hard 4.0 - Whenever studios figure they have to punch up the integer in the movie's title by making it look edgy like "4 POINT 0"! Or "CUBED"! Or writing the "e" as a fucking "3" or something, it's nature's way of saying "don't watch me, I'm going to suck." Bruce Willis' receding hairline has finally reached the back of his neck, but he's returned anyway to show us that he's still cool. Seriously. As cool as Justin Long. Hey, those two should do the movie TOGETHER! Oh shit. I was just kidding. What have I done? This film will finally answer the question of why we haven't won the war on terrorism. Because real cops are pussies compared to John McClane.
NOTE: I just found out that "Die Hard 4.0" is just the European title. In the States, it's "Live Free or Die Hard." And here I was worried the title would be something stupid.
Well, that's all I can handle right now. When you're buying your next ticket, try this: do it blind. Have them surprise you with the movie you're going to see. Chances are you already saw it anyway when the story was newer and the actors were less fat.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
But that's what you get when the country with the largest entertainment industry also boasts one of the worst educational systems. And even the greatest tragedy in American history hasn't caused us to wise up. I'm speaking of course about "Deuce Bigalow II."
If you haven't already had your expectations raped by the mess that was "Spider-Man 3", and then prayed to an absent god as the even worse "Pirates of the Carribean 3" lept from the shadows for sloppy seconds, then you can look forward to even more poorly conceived projects that confirm Hollywood ran out of ideas years ago. Let's do a quick run-through of what horrors await you at the box office:
Ocean's 13 - The movie series that feels more like watching a really cool party that you weren't invited to gets a third installment, presumably because the crack team of thieves who stole millions of dollars in the previous films hired MC Hammer's accountant. The movie follows Danny Ocean, who suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder requiring him to pull off exceedingly dangerous heists, each time increasing the size of his team by 1. Will anyone die this time? Here's a hint: the next one probably won't be called "Ocean's 9".
Hostel: Part II - I know. There are so many questions left over from the first "Hostel"--primarily why the hell was it made in the first place!? What can you say about a movie that literally has people speaking German and calling it Dutch? The "Saw"-inspired trend of watching 2-dimensional characters being graphically tortured for 2 hours and calling it "horror" continues, but the awful acting, terrible dialogue, and low production values really define a new category unto itself: "gore-nography."
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The first Fantastic Four film loses out maybe only to Shaq's crapfest "Steel" as the worst superhero film ever made. I'd argue "Ghostrider" but I don't want to be cruel since that film was clearly directed by a six year-old. FF should have come and gone, but people are sad and need to be distracted from the harsh realities of the Iraq war, so they went to the movies and watched this afterbirth of cinema. It's just totally unwatchable. It's like Jessica Alba learns her lines phonetically without any concept of what the words actually mean. But hey, if you can teach a dog to say "I love you", why not? Rise of the Silver Surfer? Sounds like an embarassing "boner" joke.
Evan Almighty - Hey, you know what works really well? Jim Carey sequels without Jim Carey! This'll make more than "Son of the Mask" and "Dumb and Dumberer" combined! I hope somebody jumps out a window over this one.
28 Weeks Later - Ah, the zombie series that isn't about zombies. The first film was stylish if overrated and now the standard "Aliens" formula is being applied. If 28 DAYS is scary, 28 WEEKS must be pants-shittingly terrifying! I frankly don't see a need to revisit a world where people get infected in the space of about 3 seconds and then have the single-minded purpose of biting and throwing up on you. I'd call it the most implausable thing on film, but I still can't get over that whole Jessica Alba having a career thing. Seriously. She's like a parrot.
Die Hard 4.0 - Whenever studios figure they have to punch up the integer in the movie's title by making it look edgy like "4 POINT 0"! Or "CUBED"! Or writing the "e" as a fucking "3" or something, it's nature's way of saying "don't watch me, I'm going to suck." Bruce Willis' receding hairline has finally reached the back of his neck, but he's returned anyway to show us that he's still cool. Seriously. As cool as Justin Long. Hey, those two should do the movie TOGETHER! Oh shit. I was just kidding. What have I done? This film will finally answer the question of why we haven't won the war on terrorism. Because real cops are pussies compared to John McClane.
NOTE: I just found out that "Die Hard 4.0" is just the European title. In the States, it's "Live Free or Die Hard." And here I was worried the title would be something stupid.
Well, that's all I can handle right now. When you're buying your next ticket, try this: do it blind. Have them surprise you with the movie you're going to see. Chances are you already saw it anyway when the story was newer and the actors were less fat.
Living the good lie
Boom Chicago
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